Onion Juice: Big East to add another three teams

Editor’s note: “Onion Juice” is Syracuse Athletics’ Finest News Source on Satirical Orange news.

The Big East is ready to take another big step in expanding the reaches of its conference.

Sources tell Onion Juice that the Big East will invite Oswego High School, TCU (also known as Texas Canine University) for football only and the Fashion Institute of America for all sports in upcoming days. The person spoke on condition of anonymity because the conference was not ready to announce its plan.

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The conference is trying to save itself

Commissioner Mike Aresco declined to elaborate on the Big East’s newest moves, but expected the targeted schools to accept.

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“We’re settling in on three schools right now, but I’m hesitant to say the specific names. Needless to say, these are going to be some outstanding schools that will add to the rich tradition of the Big East,” he said.

Oswego High School finished third in New York State’s Class AAAAA championship last year and return seven of 11 starters on defense. They also ranked 27th in New York State with 120 passing yards a game. It may have been a bit higher, but junior quarterback Brian Lynn got detention for homecoming for cutting fifth period home economics.

Big East fans are equally excited about the addition of Texas Canine University.

“Have you seen Air Bud?” Jenna Kinger exclaimed. “Yeah, we’ve got an entire starting lineup of Air Buds, and they’re recently house broken too.”

The moves come as the Big East hopes it can attract enough attention to television networks to land a billion-dollar deal similar to what the other automatic-qualifying BCS leagues have signed in recent years.

» Related: Breaking down a possible A-10/Big East merger

“(Former Commissioner) Mike Tranghese reinvented the conference in 1990 by creating a football element in order to service its members at the time,” Aresco said. “We reinvented it again in 2003 and created the biggest and most diverse conference in the country. Then, we went back to the invention wheel a third time and we invited members that were on opposite sides of the country because that made plenty of sense for Connecticut to play a conference game in San Diego at the time. And now because of all these circumstances, we’re reinventing it a fourth time, only this time, we’re thinking even further outside the box.”

The additions are making the losses of West Virginia, Syracuse, Louisville and Pittsburgh easier to bare. The Big East is also hoping to make a last ditch effort to keep the Catholic basketball schools, who are on the verge of leaving and forming their own conference.

“Our jerseys are going to be absolutely fabulous,” Fashion Institute of America senior Kate Dickman said. “Who needs those ugly Syracuse uniforms anyway? Orange is so last year.”

Story by Nate Federman and Wesley Cheng.

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